It's been a hell of a long time since I've written anything in this joint.. but if anyone happens to run across this entry, I commend you and award you a free cookie next time I see you :)

         So it's about 3:30 AM and I'm procrastinating, as usual, loathe to re-write an essay I have no confidence in writing. Aided by a can of red bull and a euphoric packet of milk chocolate m&m's, you'd think that I'd be all set and ready to bust out this paper and climb into bed by 5. But a sudden turn of events brought on by a simple 90 minute phone call has brought so many new thoughts (and some old) to mind and I can't seem to get rid of them through mere contemplation.

         The concept of decision-making. There are good, bad, right, wrong, easy, hard, on-the-fence, reasonable, inconceivable, and ridiculous decisions to make every single day. How do we decide? How do we ever make up our mind which precise brand of soda we will drink that day, which foot to put the sock on first, toilet paper over or under, etc. etc. In a way, we're kind of pre-programmed with our preferences so we don't have to stress about those "easy" or "frivolous" decisions. But then we get to the tough ones, the big fish in the sea, the cornerstone, the key block in the archway, if you will. How the hell do we ever make up our minds?

           That's probably why I fall back on the pre-programmed bull. That's all I know. You can't possibly understand it unless you're programmed yourself. But then you start thinking: was that really your decision? or was it just an easy way out? But accusing yourself of taking a monumental decision extremely lightly by following through with what has always been done or what is expected of you isn't the best way of contemplating whether the "right" decision was made either. So how do you know? How can one ever know whether s/he made the "right choice"? Is there a right choice? Is anything right?

             So here I am, thinking in circles and circles as women tend to do [it's been scientifically proven] and I"m getting nowhere both with this extremely confusing and pointless reflection as well as the 5 page paper that is expected in about 12 hours. Wonderful.

             But I am absolutely confident about this. As of right now, this very second-I do not regret a single decision I have made in my life. I am perfectly content with how everything is. I am totally satisfied with myself, others' image of myself, and who I personally think I am. Will this continue? Hopefully, can't guarantee it. But for now, life is good. And I honestly couldn't ask for anything more.

Marionette

A carved wooden face stuck fast in a grin,

Subjugated hands and feet fastened tight;

It writhes and dances to its master's whim,

"I'm not my own", obligation blinds sight.

Cold, detached strings-gossamer shackles that

Serve to control, please, satisfy. Aware

But constrained, pre-programmed to know; for at

Tradition's word, recourse falls to despair. 

A strait-jacket of obedience traps

Those who share the innocent Dinah's fate;

Flowers of Venus consume and collapse

Liberty-laced wings to pathetic state.

Yet, innate and secure, is the unsaid:

"I will be me, no one else in my stead".

              "One of the new things people began
             to find out in the last century was that
          thoughts-just mere thoughts-are as powerful
  as electric batteries-as good for one as sunlight is, 
     or as bad for one as poison. To let a sad thought 
or a bad one get into your mind is as dangerous as 
       letting a scarlet fever germ get into your body.
            If you let it stay there after it has got in, 
       you may never get over it as long as you live."

-Frances Hodgson Burnett, The Secret Garden-

Do not turn aside; for then you would go after empty things which cannot profit or deliver, for they are nothing.

              1 Samuel 12:21